Mistakes
by hobbleit
Summary: Syed reminisces


**A/N: This is a story I originally wrote months ago, before the reveal but forgot about it. A small bit of rewriting to bring it up to date and I'm finally posting it.**

**Reviews always welcome**

**Disclaimer: I don't own EE or its characters  
**

Mistakes

The first time was out of curiosity. I'd been having these feelings towards men, attractions I guess you could call it for a long time. I had tried to deny these feelings, desperately praying to Allah for them to stop but they would just not go away. I was only 18 and very confused.

The man was older than me, never did find out how much older though. I met him in a club I had sneaked out to and he invited me back to his flat. It never occurred to me at the time to say no. It was awkward to say the least. I had no idea what to do and it hurt a lot. Afterwards I remember running from his flat, tears pouring down my face, full of shame and self-loathing. I ran all the way home and barricaded myself in the bathroom. I can remember stepping into the shower and sobbing under the hot spray until I felt completely numb.

The second time was borne out of loneliness. It was shortly after I had arrived in Leeds, after my father had told me to leave. I was so lonely as I didn't know anyone there. I was sat in a coffee shop, one of the ones open until the early hours of the morning. I was nursing a cup of coffee and feeling miserable. He sat down next to me and came onto me with some cheesy pick up line, so bad I had to smile. He told me I should smile more often. It was only because I was so lonely that I went home with him. For one night he made me feel needed and cared for. The feeling didn't last long though and afterwards I was left with the same feeling of shame I had after the first time. He had wanted my number so I gave him a fake one. I left the next morning and I knew I would never see him again.

The third one I slept with just because I could. The feelings I hated had returned with a vengeance. I knew he fancied me and I took advantage of that. The sex wasn't even that special, hardly earth shattering. I left as soon as he was asleep that night and I never even looked back.

The fourth time was after an argument I'd had with Amira. We had been going out for a couple of months and I can't remember what the argument had been about but I had stormed off in a foul mood. He had borne the brunt of my anger and the sex reflected that. We did it out the back of a nightclub in a filthy alley. I didn't care, it was rough and I welcomed the pain it caused. We parted ways afterwards and I left quickly before he had the chance to ask questions. I went back to Amira and asked for forgiveness for something I no longer remember.

With Christian it was different. Logic and reason went completely out of the window where he was concerned and I found myself in so far deep I could no longer see the wood for trees. I tried so hard to deny these ever growing feelings, going as far as to commit to Amira. Try as I might, though, the feelings would not go away. Every time he touched me, kissed me, every time we made love I felt myself falling deeper in love. I was in so deep I knew I would never get out. Even after I married Amira the feelings would not go away. I felt jealous whenever I would see him talk to another man. I longed to be with him but I knew it could never be. I wanted to tell him one more time that I loved him, that he was the one I truly wanted. But I couldn't. It would only have made a bad situation first.

When everything blew up and my secret was revealed to everyone in the most humiliating way I was angry. I felt betrayed by Christian, by my parents and by my faith. It took me a long time to reconcile my homosexuality with my religion and it was not an easy journey. I tried to kill myself, tried to purge myself of these feelings to please my parents but in the end it was not what I wanted. I wanted Christian and nothing would ever change that. I gave up my family's love to be with him and although I regret the pain and shame I have caused them I would not change my decision for the world.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but Christian was not one of them. He's the one thing that I'd done right.


End file.
